“Ask Anna” is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I (17F) want to get laid. I’ve had a few chances to lose my virginity, but I haven’t yet because I’m scared of becoming emotionally attached to the guy. I especially don’t want this to happen with the wrong person. I just want to have a good time! How can I have sex without this happening? — Very Interested Regarding Getting Into Naughtiness
Dear VIRGIN,
I had similar warped, totally untrue ideas when I was first contemplating sex for the first time. I blame “Dawson’s Creek” and any other number of teen dramas I was watching at the time, whereby the girl was WRECKED and RUINED when the guy she banged didn’t like her back.
I had such a fear about it that I put off penis-in-vagina sex for years. (I did other things however, —handies, dry-humping, oral, masturbation — many of which were far more enjoyable, and I encourage you to do these things, if you aren’t already. You can have a “good time” without PIV sex, and in most cases, a better time, even.)
When I finally did lose my V-card, I was pleased to realize that it meant absolutely nothing (to either of us), and afterward, we both went about our merry ways. (I was also pleased to discover that the sex didn’t hurt and I didn’t bleed, which are two other misconceptions around losing your virginity when you have a vagina.)
There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex to be special, of course. But we place way too much importance on the “first time,” when we should view early sexual encounters as the fumbling, awkward, exciting, ridiculous learning experiences that they are. Think back to a time you tried anything for the first time — pickleball, long division, tying your shoes. Odds are you weren’t very good at it because none of us are when we’re doing something new. That doesn’t mean it can’t be fun, but we do ourselves a disservice when we place undue pressure on ourselves the first time(s) we do anything.
But! Let’s talk about oxytocin, which is a hormone that’s released during sex (and breastfeeding, childbirth, holding hands, petting a puppy, etc.), and which many think leads to emotional attachment during/after sex. It’s even sometimes referred to as the “love hormone.”
According to Robert C. Froemke, Ph.D., a neuroscientist who studies oxytocin at New York University, “Oxytocin is not a ‘trust hormone’ or ‘love drug’ — there’s really no such thing, biologically speaking. Oxytocin is released during social contact and gaze, mother-infant bonding and birthing, and maybe in some other cases as well.”
Froemke likens the experience of oxytocin as more like a dial, turning the feelings you’re already experiencing up or down. “Most current neuroscientific studies of oxytocin indicate that oxytocin doesn’t just always make people happier or more pro-social or willing to bond. Rather, oxytocin seems to act like a volume dial, turning up and amplifying brain activity related to whatever someone is already experiencing.”
So while oxytocin can enhance bonding, particularly if you’ve already started developing bonds with someone, it doesn’t have to. If you pet a puppy and oxytocin is released, it’s highly unlikely that you’re going to become attached to that puppy forever. (Unless it’s a corgi, obvs.) Using the volume dial metaphor, if you like the person you’re having sex with, oxytocin may increase those good feelings you’re already experiencing with them. If you don’t particularly like them, and the sex is bad, however, oxytocin may amplify negative feelings about that person.
TL;DR: You have nothing to worry about. If you want to experience pleasure, go experience pleasure! My only advice is to pick a person you trust, and who will listen to your feedback and change course if, for instance, something hurts or doesn’t feel right. Otherwise, have fun and be safe.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!
