By Rayanne Coy, M.A., A.C.C.
Certified Professional Coach & Parent Educator
“Back-to-school” can feel like a return to the battlefield for a family with a child who is underachieving academically. For parents of teens, the feelings of frustration and helplessness are compounded by the knowledge that these mistakes could have life-altering consequences.
“I have a very intelligent son who definitely does not work up to his potential,” said Jane*, mother of 16-year-old Sam. “It was a major stressor for me. I worried, ‘How will he get into college if he can’t handle high school?’”
Jane reacted to her fears by hounding Sam about tests, assignments, grades and study time. However, the more she pushed, the more he seemed to slack off.
Frustrated and unhappy with the tension in her home, Jane signed up for a parenting workshop. “The most important thing I learned is that I can’t control anybody but myself,” she said. “The only thing I can control is how I speak to him and how I react to the situation.”
It’s difficult for parents when they realize they can no longer make their children do what they should. Sometimes a child’s lack of motivation can be a sign of a deeper issue that requires psychological counseling. For other families, a parenting approach aimed at influencing, rather than controlling a child, can help improve the situation and head off a more serious disruption in family relationships.
It is often more effective to back off than try to force your child to work harder.
To relinquish control does not mean abandoning accountability, or doing nothing at all. Coming together to craft an agreement that reflected everyone’s priorities proved to be an effective tool for Jane and Sam.
Sam’s goal was to do all of his homework and earn B’s or better on tests. His parents would not mention grades, homework or study time during the week. Each Friday, the family checked the school website. If he missed assignments or had poor test scores, Sam would not have social time that weekend.
“The first time he didn’t do what he was supposed to, I had to be very strong,” Jane said. “He was so angry and yelled that I was ruining his life. In the workshop, I learned not to engage in that, so I just said, ‘I am sorry. I understand how you feel, but you made an agreement and this was your choice.”
As he stormed upstairs to his room, Jane cringed to imagine the next few days. “I was so surprised. Once he realized we were going to stick by this and he had no one to blame but himself, he was loving, sweet and calm all weekend.”
With their agreement in place, Jane said family time is now relaxed and happy. “I was able to calm down and stop nagging,” she explained. “The structure puts Sam in control of his choices.”
As he enters his junior year, Jane doesn’t know if Sam will finally work to his ability. But she feels confident that their home will be a peaceful one where he feels love and acceptance. “No matter how much you might want something for your children, it is their choice. If you love them unconditionally, you have to be okay with that.”
Rayanne Coy is a certified life coach with Samaritan Counseling Center. Her class “Parenting With Peace & Purpose” is an interactive workshop and coaching experience. To register, email Rayanne@sccnw.org.
The Samaritan Counseling Center of the Northwest Suburbs offers counseling, consulting and educational programs for children, youth and adults, along with pastoral consulting for clergy and lay church leaders. The staff of highly trained clinicians offer faith-based counseling and our certified life coach offers personal and group coaching. The Samaritan is your place to hope, heal and flourish. Visit us at www.sccnw.org.
*names changed to protect privacy
